So I was walking through the
electronics department at my local Target and I saw something that
confused, scared, and excited me all at the same time. No it wasn't
the Complete First Season of Lizard Licked Towing (They fucking
stabbed him... on camera!), it was used games. For 14 bucks they had
“factory inspected and sealed” used games, including one I had my
eye on for a long time. Bayonetta. After walking away and then coming
back a few time my fiance finally told me I could get it. I picked up
the 360 version, see as how my Xbox had been gathering so much dust I
had started calling it the 3dusty (ha). So I got home, threw it in
the noisy white beast, cranked that shit to 11 (Normal) and went
crazy... from words. Jesus, this games don't shut the hell up and
dialog is awful. It's like if Hideo Kojima and Rodger Dangerfeld used
the fusion technique and wrote a movie, because everything line of
dialog is a long drawn-out monolog or a not-so-clever, arrogant
one-liner. Yeah, I know it's Japanese, but it just never stops. And
really how many times do we have to watch Bayonetta fight. I sat
there wondering, “Why am I not doing that? I could have
already killed these things by now” I ended up skipping a lot of
the early cut scenes that involved the the fat fuck, who was a cross
between Joe Peshi and Danny Deveto in Batman Returns. And even though
he disappears after the first chapter I still had to hear his voice
when I got a stone trophy at the end of nearly every level because
Bayonetta is hard.
Developed by Platinum Games, Bayonetta
is a fast paced action brawler that loves to kick your ass and mock
the size of your manhood. You get various weapons and upgrades but
the twist is that Bayonetta can carry two sets of weapons, one in her
hands and the other on her feet, like some kinda ninja monkey... with
guns. I mostly stuck to the Sword and fire/electric claw combo
because, just like in Devil May Cry, the guns are mostly useless. The
other gimmick is the dodge system. When timed perfectly, and I do
mean perfectly, times slows down giving our four eyed heroine a
little time to beat the hell out of a defenseless. Oh and did I
mention you need to be precise? You dodge to early nothing happen.
You dodge too late you loose a chunk of health. And against some
enemies, you really can't afford to take a hit, because one hit often
turns into a life bar draining combo.
The 3rd gimmick of Bayonetta is none
other than her hair. The hair often acts as the final blow of a
multi-hit combo. However it is also used during the God of War style,
button mashing, quick time events in which her hair is used to
channel powerful summons to take down Bosses. While the summoning and
death sequences are really cool to look at, the uses QTE in such a
hardcore action game just feels wrong. B ut now-a-days, it's really
hard to find a AAA games the doesn't use them.
As I said before I skipped a lot of
the early cut scenes, but the story boils down to: witch's birth is
blasphemous, enemy lady tries to kill you, group wants to resurrect
God to create a new universe, enemy lady betrays evil universe
destroyer's, witch kills GOD. There also the kid who is Bayonetta or
her daughter, I never really understood. And the stupid fuck
journalist the follows Bayonetta all over the world because he thinks
she killed his Dad but also wants to bang her. What I never could
figure out was how come she never just told the dumbass that she
(SPOILER) DIDN'T KILL HIS FUCKING DAD.
When it's all said and done Bayonetta
is not a bad game. I mean It's BAD but I didn't hate it. I advice is
to play the game on easy, learn the controls, combos, and enemies and
if you enjoyed yourself give it another go on normal or even hard. But for me the experience was super fucking frustrating. And with tt's sequel, Bayonetta 2, announced exclusively for the Wii U, I think I'm over this series already.
You know I feel like I'm for getting something... a four gimmick that
I just can put my finger in.....
Oh yeah! The “vehicle” sections.
What the fuck was that?
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