Quick Time Review: Bayonetta

So I was walking through the electronics department at my local Target and I saw something that confused, scared, and excited me all at the same time. No it wasn't the Complete First Season of Lizard Licked Towing (They fucking stabbed him... on camera!), it was used games. For 14 bucks they had “factory inspected and sealed” used games, including one I had my eye on for a long time. Bayonetta. After walking away and then coming back a few time my fiance finally told me I could get it. I picked up the 360 version, see as how my Xbox had been gathering so much dust I had started calling it the 3dusty (ha). So I got home, threw it in the noisy white beast, cranked that shit to 11 (Normal) and went crazy... from words. Jesus, this games don't shut the hell up and dialog is awful. It's like if Hideo Kojima and Rodger Dangerfeld used the fusion technique and wrote a movie, because everything line of dialog is a long drawn-out monolog or a not-so-clever, arrogant one-liner. Yeah, I know it's Japanese, but it just never stops. And really how many times do we have to watch Bayonetta fight. I sat there wondering, “Why am I not doing that? I could have already killed these things by now” I ended up skipping a lot of the early cut scenes that involved the the fat fuck, who was a cross between Joe Peshi and Danny Deveto in Batman Returns. And even though he disappears after the first chapter I still had to hear his voice when I got a stone trophy at the end of nearly every level because Bayonetta is hard.

Developed by Platinum Games, Bayonetta is a fast paced action brawler that loves to kick your ass and mock the size of your manhood. You get various weapons and upgrades but the twist is that Bayonetta can carry two sets of weapons, one in her hands and the other on her feet, like some kinda ninja monkey... with guns. I mostly stuck to the Sword and fire/electric claw combo because, just like in Devil May Cry, the guns are mostly useless. The other gimmick is the dodge system. When timed perfectly, and I do mean perfectly, times slows down giving our four eyed heroine a little time to beat the hell out of a defenseless. Oh and did I mention you need to be precise? You dodge to early nothing happen. You dodge too late you loose a chunk of health. And against some enemies, you really can't afford to take a hit, because one hit often turns into a life bar draining combo.

The 3rd gimmick of Bayonetta is none other than her hair. The hair often acts as the final blow of a multi-hit combo. However it is also used during the God of War style, button mashing, quick time events in which her hair is used to channel powerful summons to take down Bosses. While the summoning and death sequences are really cool to look at, the uses QTE in such a hardcore action game just feels wrong. B ut now-a-days, it's really hard to find a AAA games the doesn't use them.

As I said before I skipped a lot of the early cut scenes, but the story boils down to: witch's birth is blasphemous, enemy lady tries to kill you, group wants to resurrect God to create a new universe, enemy lady betrays evil universe destroyer's, witch kills GOD. There also the kid who is Bayonetta or her daughter, I never really understood. And the stupid fuck journalist the follows Bayonetta all over the world because he thinks she killed his Dad but also wants to bang her. What I never could figure out was how come she never just told the dumbass that she (SPOILER) DIDN'T KILL HIS FUCKING DAD.

When it's all said and done Bayonetta is not a bad game. I mean It's BAD but I didn't hate it. I advice is to play the game on easy, learn the controls, combos, and enemies and if you enjoyed yourself give it another go on normal or even hard. But for me the experience was super fucking frustrating. And with tt's sequel, Bayonetta 2, announced exclusively for the Wii U, I think I'm over this series already. 

You know I feel like I'm for getting something... a four gimmick that I just can put my finger in.....

Oh yeah! The “vehicle” sections. What the fuck was that?        

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Quick Time Review: Half-life

Over a year ago I picked up the the Half-Life Complete collection from the greatest digital video game distribution service on the INTERNETS. No not Origin, fucking Steam. Of course that was around the time Skyrim (of Elder Scrolls fame) was released so it wasn't until recently I got to sit down and play Valves' freshmen title. I chose vanilla Half-Life because I had read the Source version didn't take full advantage of the company's signature engine. Plus I wanted to experience the game in it's original form like I'm some kind of gaming purist. As for Half-Life: Black Mesa , the Source-built, fan-made, remake, it is on my radar but I got another game to lap dance through. (That's a not too clear hint to my next review.)

I liked Half-life. Was it the best game I've ever played? No. Did it impress me? No. Was I entertained? Well, yeah. It was fun when not frustrating. The first thing I noticed after my 5 minute train ride was how floaty and clumsy it felt to move. It was like Freemen was wearing a pair of roller skates with rockets on the back. Which wouldn't be that big of a problem if it wasn't for all the jumping.

Oh god, the platforming is terrible. How is it that Mirror’s Edge got so must shit for being a first-person platformer, but no one seems to remember that a quarter of Half-Life (Eighth-Life?) was spent jumping onto shit. I think I might have died more times from missing a jump then by enemies. Scratch that. It was about half, because this game is hard. I mean, I played this game on NORMAL mode (Cuz dats how I roll) and I was constantly dying. Thank Gabe's right tit for quick saves. In fact I should call this post Quick Save Review: Half-Life. About half way through the game I found myself saving before I walked into a room. It's not just that the soldiers can shake off an entire clip or the previously mentioned platforming that lead to my many deaths. Most enemies liked to materialize behind me or parts of the environments would blow up taking a nice chuck my life with it.

The worst part of the game for me was the helicopter sequence. At one point I came to a bridge that I thought I needed to cross, but the choppa was circling the area and on the other side sat some ass-tard behind a torrent. Needless to say I died a lot. I even managed to shoot down the helicopter only to get mowed down when hopping side to side attempting to dodge bullets. I finally realized I had to jump over the side of the bridge into giant tuna infested water. But even then I had to turn a valve to enter the water filtration system leading back into the facility, only to die from a whirling propeller of insta-death I was supposed to turn off.

I explained all this because Half-Life is a throw back to the days where games told you almost nothing. Whether it was a spawning alien, a collapsing floor, or just where to fucking go, you were given no hints, no warnings. I bring this up because I normally hate when games do this (Link to the Past), but in half-life I found it tolerable. Despite the numerous frustrations I faced, I just want to play more. I wanted to get the drop on an enemy that had killed me. Or figure out a puzzle that had a simple solution, I just hadn't seen it yet. And despite the lack of hand holding, I never got lost for more then a few minutes. The facility's many areas flowed together very naturally, and I never found myself wishing for a map or some kind of a Fable 2 style golden bread crumb trail.

I had already finished the review, at the time of writing this sentence, but after reading it over I remembered I forgot something. I wasn't sure where to insert it and I didn't what to ruin the reviews ending (If you have beat the game you'll get it). So I thought I'd just squeeze it here with a short explanation seeing as how I don't really have to much to say about it anyway but whatever. I noticed that the game really wasn't too music heavy and I often found my self listening to my own footsteps. And it occurred to me that the sounds of each step sounded like music. I know it's strange and maybe the headphones where too loud, but there was something more there than simple foley. I don't know. If you've noticed let me know. Please? I'm crazy, aren't I?

 Getting back to the core of the experience, the game play is very floaty and took some getting use to. I don't know how many times I died climbing up or down ladders, and even if I did, I wouldn't say. I don't understand why you can't just hit E and attach to the ladder. And why is auto-aim enabled by default? I guess it's because the crowbar can't hit shit. Yeah, I know. I best watch my mouth when speaking of Freeman's Trademark skull-cracking, crate-exploding steel, but Christ, I'd rather have Sesshomaru's Sword. At least then I could bring all the security back to life so the enemies had someone else to shoot at. For the most part I likes all the guns. Especially the revolver. I hated the hive arm or whatever it's called (I hate it so much I'm not even going look up the name). Like the Needler from Halo, I found it useless in my hands and cheap as hell when in enemy hands.

Now I have to talk about the “most important” part of Half-Life's legacy: It's story. Well, not even the story but how it's presented. In reality the story is not very complex or ground breaking. After a failed experiment, a rip between dimensions is formed, causing aliens to materialize wherever and whenever it is most inconvenient for you. The military shows up, kills people, gets killed by you and by the things from dimension weird. Turns out the Researchers in Dark Mesa had been experimenting with the alien technology and- You know what?. Who cares? What made the game so loved, is how it's told. Not just how you never leave the first-person perspective of the voiceless, personalityless (I know it's not a word. The spell check told me so) Gordon Freeman. But what makes this story so engaging to me, and many others, is what Freeman represents. He just a normal guy that goes to work one day and it just so happened all hell broke lose. Before the accident, Gordon (Him and I are on a first name bases now) was just a four-eyed, nerdy ginger that was told to put on a Hazmat suit and stand extremely close to large machinery that shoots lightning like Cole from Infamous. He wasn't some hard ass like Duke Nukem. Or a genetically engineered killer like Solid Snake. But when he was thrown into an incredible situation, Gordon did what he had to do. And that's why the man is a gaming icon. He's what we all truly want and hope to be. He was a fighter. He was a survivor. Gordon Freeman was Hired.        

Quick Time Review: Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine

Warhammer 40,000 was a strategy board game played by nerds who grew tired of role playing as a single hero in Dungeons and Dragons. So instead they role played as a General sending hundreds of other heroes to their deaths. Then in the early 90, realizing how lame painting dozens of tiny figures is, Warhammer was adapted into a series of Real Time Strategy games. Mostly.

About a year ago when THQ, the publisher on many W40k games, went belly up, the magical land known as Steam, with it's infinite bounty of love and video games slashed the catalog of the bankrupted company. I scored about a dozen games for $24.99, including a game call Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine. Knowing a little about the series and having played a demo for the console exclusive twin-stick shooter genre shitfest, I decided to give the series a chance and after randomly picking between the 4 W40k games in my Steam library I settled on Space Marine despite my retardation of the strategy genre (I'll leave that for another time). But praise Jesus, holly David Blaine, the game was a fucking 3^rd Person shooter... with melee!

I know what you're thinking: Why abandon the RTS/RPG elements of a well established and beloved franchise for a gears of war/zelda hybrid? And my only answer to such a justified question is that the game rocks like a geodude. No joke, Space Marines is a surprisingly fun game. Its starts with the gunplay. Like in most 3^rd person games you have your hip shot and then a zoomed in, over-the-shoulder shot. Two of the guns have scopes that gives you a first-person view, but that's pretty standard. What isn't standard is that a hip shot is just as accurate as over-the-shoulder. Which probably sounds kind of cheap. But you're Tidus of the Ultramarines! Of course you can hit an Ork between the eye without your fucking sight.

Unlike Gears of War, there is no cover-based shooting. Well you can and will hide behind shit but there's no button that stick's your ass to chest-high walls. Hell. There's not even a duck button. Early in the campaign, guns are used to thin out the herd of stampeding Orks and close the gap for some melee-in'. You get 4 options: A knife, a chainsaw sword, the Power Ax and the WarHammer. The knife is quickly replaced and the next two are pretty interchangeable but the last weapon is a beast. The Warhammer can takeout lower and mid-strength enemies pretty quick but the downside is that you're limited to two gun types from the standard four: the infinite ammo pistol and the assault rifle. Later in the game, not using a sniper rifle or an energy based rifle isn't an option, so I mostly stuck to the Power Ax. Melee, honestly, has style and no substance. Watching Orks explode red is a hoot but with a primary attack and a stun attack, close range combat is a Dynasty Warrior style button masher. An on-screen tutorial did mention something about checking my combo list but obviously, I never needed to do so.

As you may remember about 2 sentences ago I said there is a stun attack in Space Marines. And I'm sure that you are scratching your nuts wondering: What the hell is a stun attack supposed to do? Well, it's simple dumb-dumb. For your health! Thats right. To recover health, you must stun an enemy, hit the action button (E on PC) and watch an execution animation during which you still take damage. Oh yeah. Tougher enemies require you to repeatedly tap the attack button (left-click on pc) for that sweet rejuvenating Ork nectar. It's not even a real quick time event, with the tapping of the same button every time. There is, however, another way to recover health. After dealing out enough damage Tidus can go Super Saiyan and his health bar will automatically refill. This is the primary way I healed him. As a back up, The Ultramarine's armor has it's recharging shield much like in Halo.

The best part of combat was the sections in which you get...A Fucking Jetpack. Flying up in the air and landing a massive power slam in the middle of a group of enemies

felt so satisfying. And I think that gets to the main reason for my love of this game: You feel like a fucking badass. Sure. You run head first into a hoard of Orks or (spoiler) Heritics sporting the same Ultramarine armor, you're fucked in about 5 seconds. But when you're smart and cautious, there is nothing that can stop you.

My biggest problem wasn't even anything gameplay or story related, it was the setting. And by setting I mean two different things: the Warhammer universe and the actual locations the battles took place. My problem with the Wahammer's take on the human race's migration into space is by their embrace of imperialism. Tidus' almost brainwashed devotion to the honor of the Imperiaum and constant spewing of crap about how lives are the currency of the Emperor, kind of took me out of the experience. Maybe I just hate the idea that humans would devolve to such a philosophy or the fact Tidus would bring it up every five minutes, especially when you die.

As for the level design, all the environments looked good but after a while its all just sort of blended together. They're very linear, with next to no exploration, yet the developers still felt the need to point the player in the right direction. “Really? I need to walk though that door? I thought I needed to jump off this ledge. Oh wait, thats right. There's no jumping.” Hell you can't even run off a ledge thanks to the invisible walls.

Just to reinforce my earlier statement, I really liked this game. It's flaws are few and the action is fun. The story not so subtly hints at a sequel and I would diffidently like to take another trip in Tidus' giant metal pants.

Quick Time Review: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance DEMO

I was pretty excited to try out Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. Ok, not really excited; more curious. I had just hooked up my 360 to begin playing Bayonetta (review coming soon) when I saw somewhere in the vast ocean of the internet that Revengeance would be hitting the Xbox Marketplace the next day. After playing Platinum Games' angel-kilingl, stripteasing witch IP, which is the same developer of MGR, I started to get a little nervous. Without spoiling my next review, let me just say my initial reaction to Bayonetta involved a lot of FUCKs and CUNTs. But Despite my luke warm reaction, I still wanted to give Rev-

(Alright. I got to stop just for a minute. The subtitle of REVENGEANCE is the stupidest thing I have ever heard or even read. What was so wrong with Metal Gear Rising or Solid: Rising? I understand Platinum Games wanted to make the game there own, but adding some retarded made up word just makes me cringe. For the rest of this review, or rather first impressions of a demo, I will be calling this game some thing less stupid and more appropriated...)

But despite my luke warm reaction, I still wanted to give Pussy-bot Man Solid, or PMS, a chance. Well I didn't get a chance to give the game a chance because I had to wait a whole week since I'm a cheapskate and only have a Silver Account on XBox Live. So I waited and played Bayonette, finally got the demo, and kind of forgot to play PMS. A few weeks ago I saw the game on sale at Target and thought "Oh shit. It's the 20th. My credit card bill is due." After paying my bill I sat down to play PMS. 

I am a huge fan of Metal Gear Solid. While I had been a gamer for nearly ten year, in 2002 when I first got a taste of Metal Gear, my world changed. MGS became my Zelda or Mario or Final Fantasy or whatever. It turned me into a die hard, Playstation Fanboy, Gaming Nerd. Nothing else in my life had that effect on me with the exception of Dragonball Z. I felt, if nothing else, I owed it to myself and Hideo Kojima, to play. Of course I felt the same way about Metal Gear Acid, but I didn't fucking hate that game!

PMS is terrible. God awful. I could say "its just not my cup of tea" but Holy Hell: This is my cup of tea; Just it's served boiling hot in a melting cup. The combat, from movement to blade mode was clumsy. The camera would constantly follow to closely, causing me to lose track of enemies. Using sub-weapons felt awkward and slowed the action to a suicidal halt. And the paring system is simply atrocious. How on the tip of Jupiter's uncut cock can someone make the attack button and the block button  he SAME FUCKING BUTTON. If you haven't played this game yet just try to imagine in the middle of battle having to jerk the left analog stick in the direction of an incoming attack and hit the X button at exactly the same time at exact right split second to stop said attack. Bayonetta's dodge system boiled down to a timing mini game but it wasn't that bad after a while. And I'm sure its the same thing with PMS but a 15 long demo wasn't enough time. If fact, that demo makes me not want to play the game ever again.

I know PMS has gotten great reviews, and it's success may even lead to a sequel. You know what? That's fine. Because a Metal Gear without stealth action is just not the Metal Gear for me. Plus I know there is no way I could get through either games without a lot of FUCKs and FAGs.

Quick Time Review: Halo: Combat Evolved

I'm going to start this review in the most cliché way possible by saying “What can I say about HALO that hasn't already been said?” Because calling this game good OR bad are both cliches in themselves. So I'll start by saying I never got into HALO. I had only a PS2 at the time so asking my 14 year old self to describe my thoughts on the Xbox Flagship title could be summed up in one word: Overhyped. I still feel that way except without the fanboy stigma. After spending time with the Xbox and PC version on the game I can say that it's not that bad.

In a sense the game just works. You point and shoot at things, which then point and shoot at you, with a limited amount of guns and ammo to do this with. Out of the 9 guns I found myself sticking, mostly, to the standard issued combo of the M6D Pistol and MA5B assault rifle. But, man, most of the weapons just felt way under powered. I literally jumped over the God-Awful Covenant weapons and hated the cheap-ass Needler. And I hated the vehicle sections, choising to stay on foot where I could.

The levels are big and pretty to look at, especially the outdoor ones. The colors are much brighter and richer than FPSs I had played on the PS2 or even recently. Bungie went for a much more sci-fi/fantasy look rather than gritty realism that, to this day, is eye catching. However the levels get very repetitive, with the last quarter of the game involving fighting your way back though the same locations previously conquered.

The most important and interesting aspect of HALO wasn't it's story (a mix of Half-Life and any generic war game/movie) or gameplay (solid) but it's impact on the FPS genre on consoles: The limited carried weapon, 16 person multiplayer matches, and how it brought gaming to a new audience.

The original Xbox and HALO reached a new demographic I like to call the BROs. These are the people who hadn't owned or played games since the SNES/Genesis era. They were football players and frat boys who have never even heard of Metal Gear or Final Fantasy but over night these “dawgs” became the new “Hardcore Games”. These were young men that would normally drink, play beer pong, and get laid on a Saturday night. But with the explosion of HALO's popularity, these same guys would round up a large group of buddies, 4 TVs, 4 Xboxs, 4 copies of the game, and 16 controllers and play HALO and drink beer and not get laid as much.

But, Christ, this was a revolution in gaming. No other game had done something like this. But most of you probably don't really care about all that. You are probably apart of the mass majority that care only for the online multiplayer death matches the series has become loved for. Or the smaller but no less hardcore group that have actually immersed themselves in the lore of the franchise, spread out across 7 games, numerous novels, direct-to-dvd animes, episodic chapters, and a possible Hollywood movie. But it all started with a single game that, for better or worst, changed the FPS genre and gaming over a decade ago.

And its not bad. Except for the driving sections, especially the last one. I swear, it took me half an hour to finish the last five minutes of the game.

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Fable 2

Fable 2 was a disappointment.

On paper it had everything a good sequel needs. Better graphics. Better combat. Dog. But some how it wasn't.

I remember picking it up a few years ago because it seemed better than 1, a games I put about 5 hours into before the clumsy combat made me give up the mouse/keyboard combo for action games forever.

So when I learned Fable 2 was Xbox only and with my 360 gathering dust I decided it was time to give the series another shot. $30 and 10 hours later I told a friend Fable 2 was my favorite Western Action RPG of all time causing my PS3 and my copy of Oblivion to burst into an emotional meltdown like my daughter when she wants to be pushed around on her tricycle.

But another 3 hours later I realized I was a dumb ass. Now Fable 2 is not a bad game. Even despite its over hype and broken promises. It's just very repetitive.

Sure there's a quite a bit to do compared to the average AAA release but when compared to other sandbox rpgs its just doesn't stack up. (Look UP  SKYRIM, GTA4, PROTYPE, INFAMOUS.)

Hell you can't even call it a sandbox. When traveling Albion you'll spent more time watching the loading screen than ever exploring the 2 dozen or so environments and locales.

Sure standing in the center of town dancing, getting laid, and doing odd jobs can be fun but it's not enough to add any real depth to the experience.

At least combat is fun except for the need to hold down the magic button to charge spells. But when you literally fight through the same enemies in the same places over and over again you'll start to feel the game is just fucking with you and artificially lengthening it's self.

Overall fable 2 is a fun game but will only hold your attention until the end of the main quest with little else to do than collect wives and pet your dog.

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